he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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