You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
