i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
