i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
