im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
