My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
