Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
