Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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