I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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