I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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