i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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