Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
