he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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