oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is Oprah even human
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
