Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
