I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
