Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
