we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
