just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
