Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is Oprah even human
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