My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
