So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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