WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
