omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
