I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
