I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
