I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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