final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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