I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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