Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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