Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
