i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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