The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
