Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
