At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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