I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
