I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
