i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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