So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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