ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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