I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
