umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
