im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
