see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am available for nakedness
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
