I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
