Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
