it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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