I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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