Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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