Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
