From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
