I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
