The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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