Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
