This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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