How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
