i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
