he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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