I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
